I feel sea levels sloshing and rising within. Is it the times we swim in? Do you feel this moist, ever-changing ocean of emotion shifting and moving you inexorably toward unknown shores? Are sea-changes within caused by our talents to disrupt and deconstruct, much like worldly sea changes? Can we control it? Are we learning to flow in new current sweeping us onward? Is being fluid a necessary requirement to staying afloat in rising waters?
Fluidity is something I’ve aspired to, but feared. I am physically fluid. And I can swim. But these are only pieces of the flexibility needed when the unknown calls. As a strong swimmer, I know the ocean, and have a profound respect for her power; tides, waves, and rip currents have sucked me out, under, and away many times. Being in the sea is excellent training for resilience, and determination, but not necessarily for flexibility, or for the fluidity required in becoming emotionally vulnerable, which is the territory of water.
I’ve discovered that what has buoyed, and brought me inner fluidity is you. Those of you who have cheered me on, believed in me, offered counsel on dark nights, and generally been front and center as I faced fears, and struggled with fierce emotion are the best of water-wings. Most of my life, I worked to contain overwhelming emotion, knowing that if it ever fully rose within, I might drown. It is not that you were not there. You have always been there~here for me. I did not know how to accept the sea of love floating around me, waiting and hoping to float my boat and carry me onward.
This spring, preparing to teach in Spain, I saw all this clearly. The dike burst, and water poured through so I could take in the overwhelming support of you~ at home wishing me only success on a great new adventure. I also allowed the great good will of Spanish students, who did not know me, but clearly wished me well, happy that I was there. I survived, and see I have grown courage for bigger waves as old walls of fear crumbled, old lines of defense disappeared. I am willing to be taken into stronger currents. My resilience grows, along with a more flexible heart. I’m leaving land, heading out to sea to see what I can see. I see you.