No Serenity/No Surrender

Dear Wayfarers and fellow travelers, I am in need of help, your fine perspicacity, your thought-filled-feedback. ‘Tis Scorpio’s season, and in her required depth charge I have returned to questioning the why of it all yet once again. It is not a serene Yogic-place.  It is swampy and stanky, filled with odors of discontent and fear. The only thing filling me with hope is that you have answers.  Please weigh in, lighten my load, lead me onward, lest I eat another jar of jam.

I do believe the world is in my heart, that we are the microcosm of the macrocosm.  If that is so, why is the world so bloody -bloody?  Why is it so very different than the core of my heart/your heart?

Each time I form and re-form the question; “Who am I?” Do I do it from a different understanding and perspective? Is this why the answers refuse codifying, satisfaction or completion?

If the power behind any Practice is its sankalpa, its intention, then why can’t my intention show up on the mat every day? Who is the masked bandit that whimps me out?

Is the following idea-evil?  ‘I am not what I desire to be, I want to be more.’  Desire is the creative pulse of life, therefore cannot be evil. Is it the idea that I am not complete, or enough, that I cannot be at one with self as I am? Is this a pathetic sin, or a big one? Are these the perceptions that blind? How do we inform our vision to perceive from heart, not from ego-mind?

If questioning the truth provides no answers, but the questions themselves open toward Grace, why doesn’t Grace feel more satisfying?

If ego is a sense of self in relation to the world, what is the sense of self in relation to self?  Is this the satchidananda (sat-truth; chid-awareness; ananda-bliss) the ancients tried to describe as ‘Yoga’s Self-knowledge’? Is this an ego ball-breaker…the mystic in the world?

If discipline is remembering what I want, and I want passionately, why does it fall away time and again?

When ego says, “You are excellent, everyone approves your high rating…the ‘I-maker’ is pleased,” then how do you create fortitude to stand outside that- and simply be? If your road is to grow being-ness, rather than do-ingness…where there is no applause, no credit, no recognition, how do you continue to fuel your oil lamp, keep the light bright?

I’ve left the light on, hoping for your answers, but perhaps I shall be content if you too are questioning…and that we can walk hand in hand, loving and loathing the un-known, the inability to be and do all we wish, all we might. Thank you for holding the space, for standing in witness to my struggle, as I will yours. Samantha.

If these questions resonate-Join the Sunday Salon, First Sunday of each month.  Next one this weekend, Nov. 6th, 4-6 pm, 1 Edson Rd. Natick…join the chorus of those who don’t know but live the questions in hopes of walking into the answers some day.  It’s lively, it’s surprising, it’s informative.

Topic for Sunday is: ‘Archetypes face to face with Buddha’s Four Noble Truths.’

Email on space availability: samanthacameron@verizon.net

5 Comments

Janet DeVasher

I too find myself in a very similar place – although I can’t express myself nearly so eloquently. I feel a huge lump in my throat as I recognize myself in you. And if you are a little lost, then no surprises that I am. I come to my yoga mat daily, and can lose myself in my practice – it’s the re-entry that is so hard, I find myself sinking. I take much comfort in your affirmation that we all struggle.

Janet

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Samantha

Janet, thank you for your kind thoughts. Isn’t that the wonderful thing about Yoga…we grow see ourselves truly as the other/Namaste/my light is yours/we are not only mirrors, we are the deep pools of self in other.

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Jennifer Cooper

The “Who am I?” answer changes with our phases of self evolution…We can be all honorable things in this lifetime….perhaps not all at the same moment….but within this lifetime….When we ask “Who am I?”, at times we like the answer…and at times we do not….It all depends on where we are at that moment in our self evolution….Now, which answer better serves? When we like the answers or when we do not? xoxo

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Samantha

Love your closing question…something I had not thought about. Now I will. Thank you for leading me out of one maze into another. love & loathing

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Samantha

I like the evolutionary response…gives me hope enough that I shall eventually evolve and figure it all out. Plus- love your closing question…’which answer serves us more?’ Nice.

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